FAUX ROSE †

jealousy's the cousin

2012-01-15T03:17:00.000-08:00

I really don't need these thoughts in my head. I really don't need this negativity. It's really wearing me out and I just wanna rest and not think. For the entire time, I've been told that thinking was good. Good in many ways. That it made you understand everything around you. That it made you clear about all the possible calamitous stuff that could happen, and you would know to avoid them all. And I was told that not thinking, was bad. That it made you oblivious and so damn susceptible to everything around you. So I thought everyday. I pondered about every little thing and foolishly thought that thinking this much was great for myself. (Whaaaat the actual fck) But then the thoughts got a little poisoned day by day, and it's only recently that I've realized how much damage has been done, and right now, I'm just really tired. Physically. Emotionally. It was foolish of me to have not realize earlier on about how the consequences of over-thinking could be worse than the act of not thinking itself. Over-thinking made you equally susceptible. I really don't want this for myself. I really don't. It... hurts.

I just hope that I can go get enrolled in some art classes when I'm done with my exams. Do some painting, 3D modelling, sculpturing, drawing, fashion design, whatever. That way I'll know that even though I'm not in the course/school of my dreams, I'd still be on the path to achieving what I truly want for myself. And at the same time, I'll carry on with my course and continue to study architecture. And then I'll never be jealous (again,) of the artsy fartsy people who get to pursue their dreams of mastering the arts so early on. I won't ever sit there and stare at my drawing and feel lost and helpless about not being able to complete it due to my lack of painting skills. (And then I'll never decide to throw my drawings away.) And I won't ever have that particular excuse to feel sad about my life ever again. And hopefully, I'll be a happier person.

So, note to self:

Be happier. Get enrolled in some art classes & begin pursuing what I really want. Earn my very own cash and be able to spend it (just because it feels better when you get pretty stuff with your own money). Learn more about various artistic expressions. Be able to unlearn my style of drawing but still be able to use it as I wish, whenever/wherever applicable. Study design. Really study it. Find the right pen/marker for my drawings (I need this...). And to always remember to find time for myself. And maybe even... think more for myself than for others. (Well I don't need to be at a disadvantage all the time, do I?) Ah, there's more but I'm too lazy to think.

P.s. I hope this tells you why I'm so busy even though I don't have any job/cca commitments. And it probably explains why I'm so against me joining a cca.

tape song

2011-12-24T03:22:00.000-08:00

I haven't visited this place for quite some time, and I haven't found a reason to do so lately. I honestly wonder why I'm here (right now), especially since the normal and common urge to turn to this space (whenever I'm bombarded with overpowering thoughts/emotions, either positive & negative) has since died down a long time ago. Maybe the whole idea of me being here (right now...) is a sign or something. I don't know... I mean, it's as if I no longer quite know how to feel a wide spectrum of emotions anymore and all I know of is sadness and a temporary zing of happiness that really doesn't know how to stay long enough. I don't even really get genuinely angry anymore. Or envious. Or whatever.

The worst is that, even though I know that there are people I can turn to, I no longer want to turn to them. I no longer want to burden them with my problems. Given the chance to, I'd only give a very brief summary, and then I'd subconsciously change the conversation topic to something else, leaving the burdensome and dull thoughts far back in the corner of our minds; somewhere where we wouldn't look and probe to pull out all the dreariness again.

So what exactly had happened? I don't know. I merely heard the clattering of pieces that had fallen (quite harshly) onto the ground. All I know is that I want to be alone, and that for the moment, I love being alone. I love the solitary feeling, I love how I can plummet into the story lines of fictional characters (all alone) and sidetrack a bit from reality itself.

All of this seems rather melodramatic, and quite contradictory (since I'm giving a slight insight into one of my very few problems, ahem), but I just felt that I needed to fill up this void for myself. It's the eve of Christmas (might be good for some, and horrid for the rest), and it's approximately 5 more hours till Christmas day. Let's hope it'll be a great Christmas for every one, shall we? (And while we're at it, just exclude me.)

from the beggars of bones

2011-09-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

You say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains. You say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines. You say that you love the wind, but you close your windows when wind blows. This is why I am afraid, you say that you love me too.

I'm drowning in never-ending pool of agony now. I need someone... A pick-me-up please. :(

And fuck, tumblr isn't working AGAIN. Fuckaaaa

to be alone with you

2011-08-04T08:39:00.000-07:00

I've been sick since Friday night (and it's already Thursday wtf) and it's really frustrating how I get tired so easily these days. I sort of spent the entire day today resting in bed, coughing my lungs out. And what hurts even more is how it's as if you don't care anymore. Well do you? I'm wishing that you still do, and I really want things the way they were before. I really really dislike how you always make me feel this hugeass range of conflicting emotions. Sigh. 6 days of being sick + 1 day of feeling emotional despair + deadlines + examinations. Fml. I feel sick to the bone again. Please please please let me get what I want. :'( I miss you.

crystalised

2011-06-29T10:22:00.000-07:00

Hey you. Yeah you. I ran into you today. But I told my heart: "Be still.", and I pushed all the happy thoughts to the back of my mind and forced myself to walk past you without smiling to myself. And the feeling? It was terrible. And I told myself (and everyone else) that I would forget you.

Well, I'm really trying to.

trap doors

2011-06-05T03:04:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wonder about perfection, and then again about everyone's desire for perfection. I then ponder over the reasons as to why I always see the need to change myself for others to measure up to their definitions of "perfection" (but I see none). And if I decide that there is no need for change, I always find myself in a never ending predicament: One, feeling like I'm lacking of something. Two, feeling like I'll never be appreciated for what I am. And then after, I'd see the need to change myself again. It's a vicious cycle. A vicious cycle I cannot comprehend.

P.s: Do you notice me? Do you even know of my existence? Like I said, it's a god damned fucking cruel world. Why did you even have to step into my life anyway? :( It'd be a miracle if you even knew my name. :(

P.p.s: Sigh. Common test week. 4 papers: 1 down, 3 to go.

like violence, you kill me

2011-05-28T06:49:00.003-07:00

There's a weird pleasure in loving someone that doesn't love you back. Sigh... Fucking cruel world.

swallows dive and turn

2011-05-04T04:45:00.000-07:00

I want to lie on a bed. Lie on a bed, and fall asleep, and then just die quietly while I'm in a slumber. No seriously, why do we cry? Why does she cry? Why do I cry???

cigarettes in the theatre

2011-04-07T04:32:00.000-07:00

I just took a look at the small calendar card and whoo! It makes me such a happy girl! I have never, ever imagined that I'd be able to have so many school breaks. Hahaha! And after having a talk w/ my big bro yesterday I'm super afraid to start school. :( Apparently, everything is based on "first impressions", and it's just my luck that I always give a bad first impression. I think I'll need a lot of luck. Sounds stupid but, wear red/green on your first day. And go pick some clovers and stick them in your hair. Oh. And, carry a horseshoe? Whatever. Wonder if I should switch to my new email now. Tsk.

my spirit screams and dies again

2011-03-30T04:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm so sorry that you have a daughter like me. I'm sorry I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, filial enough. I'm so sorry, that this is reality, and you have to live with me + all of my imperfections. But one thing I'm not sorry about, is saying all of this. Okay? I never understood why you can never settle for what you have, and even more, I have never ever understood how you always expect so much more from me, stuff which are out of my reach. Sorry, my fugly face & my disrespectful attitude is all that you're going to get if you're going to continue talking about all of my flaws. Can't you just stop thinking that you're the only person with problems? Can you just for once stop and take a look around you and recognise that you need spare a thought for others as well? Can you fucking consider my feelings? Stop comparing me to Rachael or Cheryl or Keith or whoever. I know I'm not as "loving" and "smart" and "successful" like them, so what do you want me to do? If not, what do you wanna do? Abandon me? I'd like to see that. Stop comparing me to others.

I really wonder how some people ever found the courage to just fucking jump off a building and end everything once and for all. And fyi, to that certain someone, as much as I like you, I do have something against you. Because everytime I see you, you're just like a living reminder that my mum can never accept me for who I am and that I'm not going to be good enough for anyone.

static anonymity

2011-03-24T01:32:00.000-07:00

While I'm slowly healing at home, would you be so kind just to get me my cheesy curry chicken and some cheddar popcorn? "It's urgent, thank you~". (I just felt the need to add in that part, fyeah Regina George.)

Meanwhile, let's hope I heal well. (Frowns) I need to get out and back under the sun AGAIN.

you only live once

2011-03-09T05:26:00.000-08:00

Worst birthday ever, particularly because I was being annoyed at everything. I was just being a snob, picking on everything. And because I had stomach cramps too. And I felt sick for the entire afternoon. Fuck my life. No, actually, my birthday this year was a bittersweet event! Thank you to all who remembered, and I love you guys very much too, :) I hope my phone doesn't delete your beautiful texts :(

Update (10/3 8:15pm):

I wish I had a life free of troubles.

I wish I had a normal family: no paranoid parents, no dad with anger management issues, no mum with such insecurities, no clumsy brothers who are quick to judge.

But most of all, I wish death was a quick and painless thing.

Just a minute ago, all I thought was, "Fml, can all of you stfu?"

And now that there is silence, it's a horrible thing.

Please say something, I beg of you.

cold cold moon

2011-03-07T10:09:00.000-08:00

Don't you lie to, lie to me that you're not afraid, my love.

I know you well enough to know you can't be alone.

If you were to roll, to roll down your window, you'd find the wind, the ice, the trees that sway like skeletons outside.

But when the cold, the dark, and the silence come, it's like a sudden rush of water through your heart and lungs.

Please don't fight, don't fight with me and fold your arms like it's the end.

Can you smell the sweetness of the soil and snow in the wind?

So we're lost, we're lost out here on the plains, my love.

It's only wind and ice and trees that wave from above.

But when the cold, the dark, and the silence come, it's like a sudden rush of water through your heart and lungs.

When the cold, the dark, and the silence come, it's like a sudden rush of water through your heart and lungs.

Don't lie, don't cry.

It's over.

It's only the leaves, the trees.

I'll never leave you alone.

In this car, in the dark, with the air getting so much colder.

It's so clear outside here, in the moon and winter air.

But when the cold, the dark, and the silence come, it's like a sudden rush of water through your heart and lungs.

2.42a.m. I should sleep and stop listening to music. Oh yeah, and I haven't watched Black Swan yet. Anyway, I think I should sleep... now. "Good night my hetero heroine!" Hahaha. Oh my god, the late night chats (L) Okay, goodnight. Mwah. (K)

infinite arms

2011-03-05T05:51:00.001-08:00

I desperately need my hair to grow out now. And hello, where's the miracle that I've been wishing for? I wish I could laze around watching movies and listening to music all the time. Add in some excitement maybe. But. Yeah. You get the idea. (Sigh) Btw, I just wanna reemphasize that, it's certainly not because of vanity that I'm behaving this way. It's because of the insecurities that have been accumulating since primary school. Well, it's just too bad that you're reading this because I'm currently way too addicted to feeling sad for myself. Self-pity, they call it. But really, who doesn't have insecurities? Everyone does... cept the narcissistic fucks obviously. (We all know.)

P.s: Hi hunners, I hope you have a fantastic date tomorrow. Yogurt soon, okay? Just don't be lazy. :)